Friday's Internet Edition, July 25, 2008.
By Betsy Monico
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| STUDENTS AT FAIRFIELD ELEMENTARY participating in January’s Birthday Book club are: front l-r, Aaron Minze, Tanna Lide, Sutton Bonner and Clay Childs; middle l-r, Margaret Cockerell, Kacie Carroll, Anthony Easterwood and Anna Claire Ham; back l-r, Emi Bonner, Britain Bossier and Payton Hughes. |
Tuesday – pet and CT scan as planned, great staff at Baylor, but three attempts to find a vein, a two hour power outage forced me to sit in my dark and quiet room and rest more, that was nice. I went by to see my oncology nurse Trish. She told me she would call me with my results as soon as she got them because I had experienced chest congestion and aches for a while. She said we needed to be sure nothing was going on and there was no need to wait for a week and a half until my scheduled appointment.
Wednesday – worked at Best Friends all day, organized a few closets, had a great lunch with staff from Gilberto’s. When I got home with the kids at 4:30, Trish had called and left me a message, said for me to call her. I did not expect her to call me until the end of the week. What’s going on? I would have to wait until in the morning to find out.
Thursday – dropped off Banner and Brazos, called Trish from Best Friends and left her a message with the number, made blueberry pies out of clay, listened to alphabet rap songs, and pretended to be calm. She called about 9:30 and said that the CT showed something going on in my chest again. I needed to be there at 9:30 in the morning for blood work and a chest x-ray. Dr. Cooper did not think it was Lymphoma, but we had to make sure. The pet scan would be in his office in the morning too. What now? What do you do when in only 24 hours you will find news like that? I instantly missed my school kids and had that old feeling again like every single minute of life had to count. I picked up four Sonic Wacky Packs and headed to the Elementary with Bosque and Blaise to eat with Banner and Brazos. We had a great lunch with Mrs. Franklin’s class and headed home for naps. I napped, which surprised me, with all that was on my mind.
Friday – left Fairfield again for the second time in only three days for Sammons Cancer Center. I felt okay at first, drank my coffee, and listened to Christian radio. By the time I got to Angus, I felt like I had been driving for hours. What would Dr. Cooper tell me? I had no control. The scans with my name on them were sitting there in his office just waiting. I kept on reminding myself that I had bronchitis for over a month now that would not clear up, so surely that was what was showing in my chest, not another tumor. The aches I had been feeling for a month were my body trying to fight the infection, not Hodgkin’s again.
However, I would be a total liar and have no business writing this if I did not admit the other questions and thoughts. What treatment would we choose if in only three months the cancer was aggressive enough to return? Would I go a total natural route this time and end up in some funky little clinic in Arizona or Mexico? Would I need to ask for my inheritance now to pay for it? When I was eight, the same age as my oldest child, Banner, my Mom died. Would I leave Banner too if they could not control the bad cells? I finally looked up in the rear view mirror and remembered that God promises life and I believe his promises. I listened to a song by Nicole C. Mullins called “My Redeemer Lives.” It says “He tells the ocean how far to go and the moon when to rise,” so I drew the conclusion that He can tell cancer cells not to grow.
My next round of thoughts were about my Mom. My Aunt called the day before and told me of a dream she had. I was standing on this huge rock we used to play on as kids and it started breaking. I was falling with it, but my Mom was there and she held out her hand and grabbed me. I did not fall and was standing there with her. After she grabbed me, the rock I was on broke, and fell, but I was safe with my Mother. What the heck is that all about? I could not help but think that my Mom’s hand was inviting me into heaven with her. Surely not! I must have looked like a maniac to others on I-45 because I was thinking out loud and talking to myself by this point.
I scribbled questions on my notepad as I drove, like are we promised a long life in the Bible? Does God ever receive more glory from a death that from a life? Would my testimony of faith hold up if my news was bad? The questions that were circling in my head like a hula hoop many years ago circled my hips. You know the deal, back when we all had hips and could move them like that without needing pain medicine the next morning. There was a real war in my mind. I gave way to a submission and dependency finally that words can not describe. I felt like Abraham when he was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac. Somewhere in between Ferris and Wilmer, I stopped fighting and told the Lord I was willing to do whatever it was that he had planned for me, trust Him, and praise Him all the way to my destiny. I was in total despair and yet fully at peace that God was in control. It is obviously hard to describe.
I realized that others who had been healed, like myself, of cancer, were not my heroes. My heroes were the ones, who at the end, had to face the fact that they might not beat it, and yet still look at their children in the eye each morning as the sun came up and face another day. That is courage. That is grace. My heroes are the ones who watched their friends drive off to college and yet they drove to MD Anderson. What strength! Could I even begin to do it like they had? I never dreamed my cancer would return or that I would be asking these questions to myself until I got the call from Trish. No matter what the news was, I knew I had to get back in the car, drive home, and take care of my family. We had basketball games the next morning and cancer or no cancer, I was going. There was laundry whether I was sick again or not. We still needed a gallon of milk and more laundry detergent. Life does go on, right?
I will not drag this out like a best-selling novel because this is not fiction, but real life. Dr. Cooper came in and said that my pet scan looked good, no metabolic activity. (that is the one that shows cancerous cells) The activity that showed up on my CT was a lung infection that we would treat after we cultured it. I needed antibiotics, not more chemotherapy. Did I panic or take this all too far in my head? Had I lost my faith? I don’t think I lost it, but that I was refined and tested in my walk like many can not even imagine. Life played in slow motion from Thursday at 9:30 until Friday at 11:00 when I got the good news. I have never thought so much my whole life! I deserve another degree for all that my brain went through!
It was worth the drive to Dallas and the war I wrestled in my head all alone because I did come to a conclusion and surrendered. I decided that I better know with all of my heart and soul, no matter what that “He is GOD!” I was willing 100% again. I felt like God was in the room with me and when I got the good news. It was like He looked down on me, put His loving hand on my shoulder, and said to me “Thanks for saying you would do it, my child, but you don’t have to.” My daycare staff and I prayed Friday morning before I left. Tracie told God that I had weathered the storm and was ready for the calm. That calm is here like never before! Would I know to appreciate it if things had not been so rough? I doubt it, would any of us?